Files

I like things to be put in order. At my required counseling session for a college class last week, that is what my professor said about me, "Lisa, you like things to be in order. God made you that way. God is a God of order. Things in your life aren't orderly, so it's hard on you." She didn't say exactly that, really, but all of those things were points she made at some point in our conversation. I like counseling. It makes me feel like I'm putting all the different clutters in my life into little file folders and stamping a label on them that says "Yes, I did think this through". Oh dear, I'm almost obnoxiously orderly. I also take counseling seriously. In junior high, when my parents thought I was crazy and took me to some professional counselor who was supposed to be really awesome and took me to Starbucks, I would hang up the "goal lists" he gave me in my room. I actually did the things on the list. If I didn't, I felt bad and disorganized. So, being the sort of person I am, and having stamped all those files with "Yes, I did think this through", it was time to move them to the "...and I've done something about it" stamp. A few phone calls. A few emails. A very sweet friend who helped me clean my apartment because it was past the point of me handling it on my own. Long talks with Em, even though we're usually half asleep. A lot of prayer. A few fears. Yet where do I find myself? Balancing on the edge of a diving board, just like the first time I learned to dive - now taking a deep breath, about to pluge, then stubbornly sitting down on the end of the board, refusing to budge. That is to say, I feel that I know quite well some pretty major steps I (and my husband, by default, who is much more prepared for them than I) am about to take, but I can't seem to work up the resolve to push them through. Change is hard on me. I think it's hard on most people, and they would tell you that, if they were honest. Mostly people aren't honest, they just come up with excuses for why the change is bad to try to justify their fears and stress. I do that a lot. I try not to, but I know that I do. Emi tells me I do. I'm trying to admit to hating change more and making excuses less. It's hard. Becoming a better person is always hard. I know, because it is in my file of things that I've thought through. Now I have an invisible goal list with goals that I never imagined having when I was 13. Maybe I should write them down. I always feel more accomplished when I make lists. There are little index cards with lists on them scattered through our apartment. Some of them are legible. Most aren't. I feel as though this ended up being pointless, which is too bad. I'm tired and have some kind of ridiculous allergies, so now was probably a bad time to write. Sometimes you just need to write, though. It helps to put things in files.