Fail

I barely made it up the last stairstep. My breath sounded short and... wheesy. I plopped down on the couch, happy that my 6-year-old subject was pretty worn out, too. I sat there, desperately trying to remember what normal breathing felt like. It took me a good ten minutes to get to the point of normal breathing. "I don't feel good," Tyler moaned. I understood the sentiment, so we sat on the couch for awhile, drinking water and munching on Goldfish. We played with the Goldfish a little, because that's just something you have to do with the snack that smiles back.

Sleeping on the floor in a strange apartment without a pillow turns out to be one of my body's least-favourite activities. I did acquire a pillow though, finally. I've had odd and irregular eating habits the past few weeks. My legs start to tremble, threatening to fail, if I've forgotten to eat for too long. I like to pretend that I'm just being a wimp, but I know better than that. I'm tired, but that I've gotten used to. I'm angry, and that's something I never wanted to get used to, but maybe I have.

The last time I went to get a blood draw, the nurse was unable to get anything out of me. She wiggled the needle around, searching for a vein. She found one, but apparently it didn't have enough blood in it. I was left with a vein bulging from my arm, freezing cold, and trembling violently. I stumbled to my classroom - no time to waste - and sunk to the floor in the hallway. I was somewhere between my body just failing to move any more and a slight state of shock. Em came over to me and I showed him my arms. I cried, though I still don't know why. Mostly I just felt angry.

I question God a lot when I start getting sick. I get angry at God a lot when I can't make my body move the way I want it to. I think Christians in general like to shy away from admitting that they doubt or get angry at God, but I'm pretty sure it's a universal thing. The Bible is littered with people who cry out and God, not understanding the state of their lives. In the end, basically all we know is that God's got it. We don't always get answers to the question why, we just know God is bigger than us.

So all the pain I've dealt with the past year is okay, because I don't have to understand why. All the anger and the confusion and frustration is okay, as long as I remember that God is sovereign and I am not outside of His will. I'm not accusing the Almighty of being unjust. Sometimes one just needs to get stuff out of their system, sometimes that helps us recognize God all the more. Sometimes I tend to separate "me" and "my body," so let me broaden that a little to encompass more than my health. All the difficulties Em and I have had (and will have) are okay because God is in control. All the disappointment I've felt toward my parents and friends is okay because God is good. All the trouble I'm having finding that "ideal" job is okay because God is bigger than work. I don't really have to understand why, after all. I just have to rest in what I know is true about God.