Boxes

I'm packing away all the things that make up my life right now. It's always weird to file all your things away into boxes, "This I won't need again til Winter," one thinks to oneself, "so it shall go into the Winter box." I'm terrible at filing things. I am pretty sure my swimsuit ended up in my Winter box. Boxes, boxes, boxes.

I have less clothing than I thought. In general, I have less "stuff" than I thought. I'm also getting rid of stuff. I hate having stuff. My family's biggest grievance against me is I have a tendency to throw away too much when I clean. I just like everything to be simple. Clean. New. I'll be two weeks somewhere new, then two months, then a few years, maybe. Always moving, like I always wanted to be.

I'm afraid, because I look at pictures from a year ago and think "I looked so well. I looked healthy and my skin was pink and I was a little fat." I look at my reflection and wonder at the dark circles under my eyes and the grey-blue tone my skin has taken on, as if to say "you should have been dead by now." I feel odd saying all that publicly, to the grand total of 3 people who read my blog, but the fact is that for the most part I don't like to talk about it. I don't like to think about it. I don't like to think that I might not be able to do and be everything I want to. I don't like to think that my body isn't a normal, healthy, 20-year-old body.

Generally, when I'm feeling angry about my health, I run across things like this. I will probably not be ill the rest of my life. I will never be able to check the "excellent" box when paperwork asks about my health condition, but it is manageable. The fact remains, though, my health is what it is for a reason. It's not punishment or judgement. It's another opportunity to glorify God. In my work, in managing my time, in caring for my body and establishing good health habits, in my friendships, and maybe most of all in my upcoming marriage.

So here I am, packing my life into boxes. Boxes, boxes, boxes. Uncertain of exactly what the future holds, and where the next few years may take me. But understanding that in a few years, maybe I'll be packing boxes again to go on a new adventure. Maybe more frightening. Nonetheless, trusting God that my boxes & I will end up exactly where He means for us to be.